The Good and the Bad

Oh good, I don't have an ET finger anymore. So now the typos will be purely due to eyesight. :)

Things that have sucked so far:
-The nausea that started this all. Well, first pain on Thursday (my non-existant Thanksgiving) night, followed by pain meds, followed by nausea, followed by throwing it back up.
-Being rushed to the ER by Jake at 6 am Friday morning, because we were worried that something had gone wrong with my surgery, especially since it's a little dangerouos to throw up afterwards.
-Almost getting killed in the car when Jake accidentally ran a red light and stopped in the middle of the intersection as he said "Ohhhh shoot" and I open my eyes to find cars coming at me and swearving around us. That was scaryy and unsettling.
-Waiting in the ER for hours to get vitals, tests done, and finally do a swallowing test only to hear the words "I'm sorry, there's a hole in your esophagus".
-To see the surgeon come in on his day off and say that we'd need to do an emergency endoscopy to put in a stint that would stay in my esophagus and help the hole close up after a copule months. All the while I was feeling totally yucky, drugged and out of it and hardly remeber any of this
-Went in for yet another procedure under anesthesia and came out ok, only to drop into critical condition in the recovery room. I remember laying there with a nurse forever, listening to her say "Ok Heather, I need you to breathe. Take a deep breath into the oxygen mask, and now I need you to do a good cough." It was so confusing.
-Hearing Jake, my father-in-law, my dad, and Bree all telling me to hang on and keep fighting. That was good, actually, but I really thought I was on the verge of dying. I remember thinking "This could be the end."
-Having hit completely rock bottom coming out of the recovery room and going into the ICU on Friday night, looking like death.
-Can't sleep at night because just when I'm in a deep slumber due to some nice pain meds or something, they come in and need my vitals or to take some blood throughout the night, and then I can never fall back asleep. Grrrr.
-The gown- oh how I still hate hospital gowns! And exposed butt cheeks.
-No TLC! I'm so disappointed.
-Looking forward all weekend to being able to drink grape juice as I was told I would, to see if my drainage showed purple which means the hole was still leaking, or if it would come out clear. (I have little drainage bags hanging out of my stomach-gross, huh). Only to find that I did not get to drink grape juice but just some other poisonous yellow contrast drink, which revealed that there most likely is still a hole in my esophagus despite the stint that was put in place to fix it.

The Good Things:
-The fact that I graduated from the ICU on Monday afternoon and went down from cords and bags galore to just my nutrition line in my arm.
-The fact that Nathan printed out family pictures to hang all over the walls, Clark and Emma brought a Christmas wreath and cinnamon pine cones, and I have a homey little room now.
-All the Nutrients in my TPN (Total Parental Nutrition), which is the feeding line going into my right arm and down to my heart: amino acids, dextrose, fat emulsions, sodium, potassium, chloride, acetate, phosphate, calcium, magnesium, zinc, copper, magnese, chromium, celmium, MVI, protein, lipid. Sounds like the whole periodical table!
-The 6:00 "feeding time" every night when they bring in the nice new full bag of milky goodness to last me through the next day and I call it dinnertime. Hey, it's all I got.
-The way Jake has stayed by my side since Friday (and through this whooooole journey) and is so involved, concerned, loving, helpful, and willing for me to get better. I love him so much.
-The way my mom jumped on a plane regardless of teaching, seminary, and masters duties because she heard her baby girl needed her help. And the fact that my dad was already here for a few days on his way to CA. Talk about a miracle.
-The encouragement, prayers, well wishes, motivation, and kicks in the butt from everyone to suck it up and keep going.
-The times I've allowed myself a good cry pretty much everyday, thrown a pity party, and then tried to suck it up and remember how blessed I am to be at this point.
-The way Cami still loves me regardless of my looking like a sick rat, hunched over with cords coming out of me. She'll still give me kisses and hugs and smiles and treat me like her old Mommy, and I love her for that.