Trials of Faith

It's things like this that keep me going. I just have to share some thoughts today. My heart is full, and it's Fast Sunday today, and I'd been looking forward last month to getting up in church and bearing my testimony. So instead, since I'm sitting here in my hospital gown being fed through an IV, I'll do it here. :) I'm feeling good today. I woke up feeling hopeful and content, listened to some 3rd Nephi on CD, and just had my 1 ounce of grape juice that I get to have 4 times a day. I'll be going to the sacrament and relief society meeting that they hold here (what a blessing that I'm at LDS Hospital) and I'm anxious to see who else shows up with their IV stands looking as pitiful as I. But I'm excited for the renewal, and the spiritual uplift, and the "partaking" of the sacrament even though I don't get to partake. It'll be good.

I just have to say, all my life growing up, I had it easy. Born into the Gospel and a wonderful family, everyone healthy, no big trials. That always kind of scared me. It felt like things were "too good". I almost lived on edge, waiting for something to strike. I didn't believe that Heavenly Father would let me have it so easy. I remember being nervous when someone left the house, because I was afraid they'd get in a crash and that'd be the last time I saw them. Or when my siblings went on their missions, I was afraid they wouldn't come back. I was afraid my parents would get a divorce or that SOMEthing would happen that would rock my world. But it never did, and I continued on in life, just grateful to be so blessed. I realized that it was pointless and faithless to live in fear, and to just accept whatever came along.

I had trials just like everyone else, and serving a mission in Germany wasn't a piece of cake, but I didn't feel like I ever had a "trial of my faith". The first real scary thing that shook my world was when Cami fell and fractured her skull, and we weren't sure for awhile if she'd be ok or if there'd be permanent damage. That was big for Jake and I to handle, and so scary and eye opening, that YES- life can change in an instant. Luckily Cami was fine, and I was just so relieved and thankful that Heavenly Father let her stay with us.

The next big thing Jake and I had to overcome together was our miscarriage last year. I never ever thought that would happen to me, and that was really hard to go through. But it made me realize that everything is in the Lord's hands and that he has a plan for all of His children, and that He loves me. He knew I needed to go through that to make me stronger, more humble, more reliant on Him, and more empathetic towards others who have to go through the same thing.

And since then, my health has just steadily gone downhill. It was SUCH a blessing to get pregnant with Lexie, but in turn my body took a toll and right after she was born I found out I have Achalasia. Never thought I would be diagnosed with a lifelong incurable disease of the esophagus that would affect my eating forever. Are you kidding, I LIVE for food! Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE food- eating all the time, love to cook and go out to eat, get excited when any function involves food. So it's been a definite trial of my faith. :)

As of now, I've been almost a week and a half in the hospital. After 2 surgeries on my esophagus, there was still a hole. Apparently lots of people don't live through that, as it's a deadly complication. I'm lucky to be alive. Last weekend was scary, and apparently I had to fight for my life in the recovery room and the ICU, although I don't remember most of it. I remember the nurse telling me I needed to take deep breaths into the oxygen mask and do some good coughs, getting a catheter, being packed in ice packs all around my body, and my family standing over me telling me I had to hold on and keep fighting. I remember thinking, "Is this really it? Could I be on the way out?" My blood pressure was super low and my heart rate was through the roof and my fever was burning up, I was unresponsive, and apparently things could have gone the other way.

But they didn't. And I'm here. And there are countless people who have been fasting and praying and putting my name on the temple prayer rolls, and I feel their power. My faith has been tested these past few months, and this past week especially. I haven't eaten or drank anything (minus the grape juice sips) in a week and a half, but I'm being kept alive. After the 2nd swallowing test showed that my esophagus was still leaking through a hole last Monday, I was devastated. But I was lifted up, was able to get through this week of waiting, and tomorrow I go in for another swallowing test to see if the hole has healed. If it has, then I can start drinking and eating on my own and go home this week. If it's still leaking, then a feeding tube will be placed through my nose, and I'll go home with that for a few weeks. It could go either way, but I'm hopeful that it'll be the first.

This has definitely been the greatest trial of my life (thus far). Only Heavenly Father knows what the future holds and what trials of my faith I have yet to endure. But right now, I am confident that this is what I need in order to be a better, stronger, more faithful person. I know that He has a plan for me, and that He knows me and loves me. What a blessing that knowledge is! I just read this talk by Elder Richard G. Scott called "Trust in the Lord". It's beautiful, and just what I needed right now. He talks of the need to understand that trials are placed in our way to give us the refinement we need, and we need to trust in the Lord and accept His will. I'm ready to do that, and I feel His love so strongly. I'm thankful for this refinement and am hoping I'll come out the other side nice and bright and shiney. :)