So I went into the IV infusion center and got that bag full of nutrients. And it was quite a pleasant experience. I walked in, they sat me down in a comfy reclining chair with warm blankets, gave me the TV remote, and left me to get comfy. I enjoyed the Food Network channel (go figure...I always turn to cooking shows, no matter if I can eat or not. I just love food.) while they hooked up my IV and started the banana bag (named rightfully so because the fluid is bright yellow. I just realized they could also call it a pee bag. That would be fun.)
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I sported the headband that I got from that nice stranger lady. I also got to enjoy a full lunch from the cafeteria that the nurse brought in...turkey sandwich, applesauce, cookies, juice. It was quite a nice couple hours! When the bag was empty, I was on my way. So what good did that do, you ask? I doubt it did much at all. My body is so dang depleted, that that one IV infusion did pretty much nothing for me. So Jake and I wondered, K, now what?
I think it was a couple days later that I woke up and thought, I want to get my hair cut today. It's time. There was just no more hope for it, and having it short would be a lot easier on me. So after getting the opinions of my dear family and making sure they didn't think I was crazy, I decided to do it. Luckily, Bree talked me into waiting for her to get off work that night so that she could go with me. Jake would be home with the girls, so I was just going to go by myself. But I'm SO glad I had Bree there by my side.
On Thursday night, May 17, I took my trusty free haircut coupon to Supercuts, and requested to have my hair chopped off. It's kind of funny when I think about it now, but I had a picture on my phone of what I wanted it to look like. My mom had mentioned months earlier that she really liked the actress Michelle William's pixie cut, and that it would look cute on me. So I found a cute picture of Michelle and her little blonde head, took it with me, but knew that I didn't have enough hair anymore to do it justice. Oh well. The hairstylist girl (who could have cared less about my thinning hair and why it was happening and what a sad day it was for me) clipped away and we ended up with this:
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So here I am, the new me. It was the weirdest moment when she finished and handed me the mirror to look at the back, and I just stared at it and thought "Oh my gosh. That's me. I can't believe that's my head." But Bree was there being my little cheerleader, and Jake met his "new wife" at home, and all was well. After a few tears on my part. :) Cami also met her "new mommy". She was in bed when I got home, and Bree and I went in and said "Cam, look at Mommy's new haircut!" She just kind of stared at me in dumbfoundedness for a minute and didn't say anything. Bree said, "do you wanna touch it?" She shook her head and said "uh uh". Ok. :) But then the next morning, Cami said "Can I touch your hair, Mommy?" She ruffled the back and said "Oooooh, fuzzy!" So it was nice to get her approval, and hear her say several times "I like your new haircut, Mommy!"
Now the hair doesn't phase me much. I love not really having to care anymore. Is that bad? I did feel really weird going to the dentist the next morning, and the receptionist asked if I'm going through chemo. NOPE. A lady today just congratulated me on beating cancer and that my hair was growing back nicely. "Actually...", I had to tell her..."we're not quite sure what's goin on, I'm just losing all my hair." And it was weird going to church that first Sunday, and not wearing a hat cuz I don't know which hats are church-appropriate. I felt super exposed and self-conscious, but I just had to keep reminding myself- hey, this is me. I can't worry about what other people are thinking. If they feel uncomfortable, that's their thing, but I just have to roll with the punches. It's just hair, right? I know Heavenly Father loves me and thinks I'm beautiful all the same.
10 comments:
The thing missing in these photos is your beautiful smile! I've told Cathi that even though I know how sick you are and how bad you must feel every day, you can't tell when you look at your photos because you always have this big beautiful smile on your face!
I really am so sorry you're having to go through all this. I hope you can get answers soon!!!
I think you're beautiful inside and out. You're an amazing woman. I wish I had an ounce of your grace. As soon as I can finally get settled with these 4 kids, I can help with your girls. Love you and I'm praying for you.
You look beautiful, Heather. I just got my hair chopped off too. :). I think about you everyday and hope the doctors can figure out what is going on and get you on the road to recovery. I wish we lived closer so I come come visit you and help you and jake out with anything you needed. If there is anything at all I can do from 400 miles away, please don't hesitate to ask! We love love you and jake and will keep you in our prayers.
I've been thinking about you a lot and wanting an update...so thanks for posting. I'm so sorry for how you must feel about all of this. I'm hoping the doctors and find an answer quick and you can be on your way to recovery. This waiting and not knowing must really be a pain. Hang in there!!
Well, this made me cry, but you ARE beautiful through and through! Love you bunches!
I am soooo glad you finally did a post about your hair! I have been itching to let the world know but figured it was your rite to decide when to reveal it, not mine. :) You have traveled the hair trauma road like a trooper. That haircut night was more emotional than I'd anticipated, but we made it! And I really do love your short hair. Bless the people who think you have cancer. Maybe we can make a list of funny responses you can give if someone else thinks you've been through chemo. silly people. You have endured so much and still have much to endure. And I know you can do it! I always pray that you will have the strength to get through this. You can do it little Schmeether. love you.
Friend! I love you! Today I felt impressed to bare my testimony and I talked about how Christ prepares us for certain things in our life and if we pray and keep Heavenly Father at the center of our lives that no matter what we go through Christ will be right beside us and even carry us at times to get us through it and get us to where we need to be. I am sorry that your journey is so rough right now. I pray for you and your beautiful family that you can all stay strong and that you will receive answers soon!
I love you, Heather, and I'm always so impressed with your strength and happy spirit when we talk. I'm hoping that these next few weeks bring answers and relief. You have so many people praying for you! I love that you're embracing your new cut - I think it just accentuates your beautiful eyes and bright smile, hat or no hat. :) I'll be on the look out for dressy hats, though, if it helps you feel better. We'll have to hang out at a park sometime this next week so the kids can run wild and you can cuddle Owen before he gets any bigger. :)
The above post and this post both made me cry. I can't even imagine what you're going through right now. I think it must be so frustrating and scary among other things. I really admire your honesty, strength, faith, testimony, and ability to be positive and humorous. You are inspiring me so much and I know I'm not the only one. I really look up to you. I think about you every day and I so appreciate these updates. So many of us are rooting for you. Even some of my friends that don't even know you but stumbled across your blog from mine find so much inspiration and strength from you. I'm proud to be your friend and to know you. You have such a gorgeous face with your stunning eyes and smile that long or short hair you are still gorgeous and I truly mean that. Especially because you have a light about you that just adds to your already gorgeous face. It's your inner beauty and the spirit that comes out that even strangers I'm sure notice. I love you and am praying daily for you. Hugs!
*crying* Ugh.
I'm frustrated that it's NOT cancer, ya know? If it were, they could find it and get rid of it. Not that I would wish cancer on you or anyone, but at least it'd be an answer. :/
It's interesting how God works sometimes. I think some of this is to teach us that the physical really doesn't matter. Like your hair, I mean. You've heard of Stephanie Nielson. She's had to learn the same thing - that no matter what she looks like, she's still *her* and is still a beloved daughter of God. I'm trying to learn the same thing, myself, actually. Thank goodness our kids love us unconditionally.
And thank goodness at least all these hospital visits waited till after your PA trip.
You're always in my prayers. Keep your patriarchal blessing close by and read it often. It'll give you strength and courage in times of adversity.
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