Baby Hungry

Lexi likes to ask for babies in her prayers. Sometimes she asks for 1...and other times she asks for fourteen eleven (that's her favorite number these days).

I really want to get pregnant again. I want to grow our family. I want my girls to have a little baby brother or sister to love.

The problem is, I don't think my body will allow it.

When the doctor told me that it might be too risky, and that I should look into surrogacy or adoption, my heart sunk. I guess I was hoping for a green flag and a congratulations, go ahead. I didn't feel too sad until she had left the room, and Jake asked how I was feeling. I just said, "How am I supposed to feel?" I felt like I want to have a baby, no matter what the risks are.

But immediately, I knew that that was a selfish thought. Because where would that leave my two beautiful daughters and caring husband, if I just wrecked my body and myself trying to have another baby? It feels like it would be for selfish reasons.

I want to feel life in me once again. I want to have a reason to be bloated and wear maternity clothes rather than having no excuse. I want to give birth to another person and feel that instant love and bond again. 

                                      

I want to smell that sweet baby smell and nurse and cuddle and watch our family love another little person. I want my girls to know what it feels like to have a younger sibling- a baby to hold and care for and play with and delight in and grow old with.

I want our family to grow, and to have 3, 4, 5 children! But at the same time, I sound selfish. Because I have two beautiful daughters already. I am so grateful for them and so grateful to be a mother.

Is it wrong, though, for me to say that I don't want to be done? Is that so bad? Is it impractical of me to think that bringing another baby into the family would help our family be happier and fuller and more complete? Or would it just elevate my already high stress levels and temper and impatience...not to mention, destroy my body in the process if I tried to get pregnant?

The doctor thinks adoption would be a good route to go. I hadn't ever even considered it or researched it because I never thought it would be necessary. But Jake and I have talked about it, and we might just go ahead and do it. I'm not sure though. We're not sure. Do I continue to try to find answers and figure out what this undefined autoimmune disease is that's plaguing my body? How long will that take?? How many more years will we spend, just waiting and wondering and looking for a diagnosis and coming up empty?

My baby will be 4 this year. I can't believe it's been that long since I held her precious little baby body.

If we're not meant to have any more children...if that's Heavenly Father's plan....then I will learn to deal with that. "Not my will, but Thy will be done," as the Savior said.

But I really really hope there's another little spirit just waiting to join our family. And I hope we'll be guided to figure out how to make that happen.