Mom Sentiments

I often find myself thinking, am I the only mom who doesn't want her kids to keep growing and getting older? Is it wrong that I don't want them to have birthdays? This blog post was actually mostly written back in October, and I'm here to add a few things and finally publish it.

The other week, I had a sudden sad mom moment. I looked up at the playdough in the girl's closet, and realized that it hadn't been played with in months. They had asked to play with it once, but I had said no because it was at an inconvenient time. Now, I realized, that playdough didn't have much longer to be played with, and it was just wasting away on the shelf! How much longer will I have sweet little children asking to play with play dough? I actually got sad over playdough and the passing of time.

That also happened at the store recently, when both girls were at school, and I was perusing the toy aisle and suddenly got choked up when I realized that all the toys I was looking at were too young for my girls now. And all the baby section clothes go up to size 5, and Lexi is in size 6 now. Officially big girls.

I used to yell and get so frustrated with my girls when they didn't go to sleep at night. It was a battle sometimes, trying to get Cami to turn off her light and stop reading, and to get Lexi to stop talking and keeping Cami awake. I feel like I wasted so much time in this battle that lasted for a few years. I never once laid down with Cami ad bedtime (though in my defense, she only had a toddler bed).

 Then one night I had the prompting to lay down with Lexi in her bed, and it was the sweetest experience. Her face lit up and she said, "Really? Ok! Come on!" She excitedly scooted over, placed extra pillows under my head, shared half her blanket with me, giggled, tickled my arm, and asked me to scratch her back. We laid there with our faces together, looking in each other's eyes and waiting for the other to close theirs first. She yawned, fidgeted and talked a little more, then yawned again, closed her eyes, and her breathing became soft and asleep.

 I lay there looking at my baby girl, 4 years old, and thinking what an amazing thing that was. To have her in my arms, foreheads pressed together, giving butterfly and eskimo kisses, and watching her fall asleep. How did I not do that before now? And how did I never do this with my sweet Cami? How did I let 7 years go by with not nearly enough cuddles and rocking and breathing softly together until she fell asleep? Why was I always worried about them going to sleep on their own and yelling from the living room for them to be quiet?

I decided to lay with Lexi again the next night,and the next night, and every time that I did, I came to adore the way she yawns twice before she falls asleep. And the fact that both she and Cami fall asleep in a matter of less than 5 minutes when I'm laying in there, as opposed to the sometimes hour or more when they were younger and I fought them tooth and nail to go to bed. If I could have a do over, I would have held my babies more and snuggled in their beds earlier on. If I could do it over, I would not keep my baby in her car seat the whole time at church....I would hold her and let her fall alseep on my chest like I watch so many babies do with their moms. I wouldn't walk on egg shells to make them fall asleep in their swing or their crib, but let them fall asleep in my arms. I would be less worried about doing it right, and more focused on the moment and how quickly it passes by. I would remember how quickly my babies grow into big girls, and how those big girls grow into grown ups before we know it.

I had a realization in the past year, that it doesn't matter if Lexi wants to play with her Lego's in the living room on the couches. Because those Lego's will be put away and not played with anymore way too soon. Cami's books that she leaves around the house to read and write stories, will be gone when she's out of that phase. Lexi's already stopped packing and collecting things, which drove me crazy at the time, but now just less than a year later, she's stopped. And I miss it! I miss her putting on her stuffed backpack and sunglasses and announcing that she's going on a trip. I miss Lexi waking up in the middle of the night needing comfort from a bad dream, and falling back asleep by having us rub her back. I miss Lexi asking to do puzzles and play a game and do a finding book every day. (Luckily she still asks to play games every day)

The fact of the matter is, life goes so incredibly fast. Kids grow so fast. As a parent, to watch your children grow up is pretty much heart breaking. It's supposed to be joyous and wonderful...at least that's always what I thought until I became a parent. Now I'm conflicted with feeling sad when I'm supposed to be happy. This is only a short season, and I've learned that I need to cherish it. It is a treasure. These little people are my gifts from Heavenly Father. How grateful I am to be their mother, and to have the calling to raise them up to be little women. I need help. Oh, I need help. It is so hard to know if you're doing it right and I know I make so many mistakes. I wish I could wrap them in bubble wrap and keep them safe forever.

I wish my Cami would stay the Cami forever that when school is out, she runs into my arms with a big smile and a hug. I hope she will, at heart. I hope Cami will keep wanting to be wherever I am, and be my eager library buddy and always be excited to tell me everything about school. I hope my Lexi stays the Lexi that pleads for me to lay with her in her bed and touch noses and lets me kiss her soft temples. I hope she'll always love to play games with me and make me laugh everyday. I hope for awhile longer, she'll let me do Rock-a-Bye Baby and say "Come find me!" when she hides, and will put on makeup with me and put her little apron on when she sees me cooking. Ohh my sweet girls.

 This is the other morning when I promptly got all the playdough out and sat and played and created ice cream, dogs, fish and flowers with Lex.

And ohhh my mother heart.