The other night at the temple, when I was in a hurry and decided to be frisky and go without my wig, I felt free. But vulnerable. And looked at. And pitied. Aside from feeling accepted and loved, I felt questioned with people's eyes and quick glances. I couldn't decide whether I'd rather have physical comfort, without the wig, or emotional comfort, with the wig.
I chuckled at myself as Jake and I walked into the chapel in our temple clothes....there I was, balding and looking 6 months pregnant bloated. It's a good thing he'll love me no matter what. My eyes still can't see well, even after corrective lens surgery, cataract surgery, stigmatism removal, lasers, etc. At least I don't have to wear glasses anymore in order to read. I'm thankful for that.
But my worst nightmare came true while we were in the temple session. I GOT HEARTBURN! I haven't gotten heartburn in the temple since our sealing when we got married in 2008 (which was horrible, sitting there trying to listen and take everything in and smile and remember the moment, all the while having my chest burn mercilessly). Ever since then, I've been paranoid and carried a teeny water bottle with me all throughout the temple, since water is usually the only thing that makes my heartburn go away.
Every time I go, I wonder ohhh man, am I gonna have to use it today? But I never have had to. But when the heartburn hit last night, I didn't have the nerve to pull it out and take a drink! So I sat there in pain and prayed and waited for it to pass. And it did, eventually. Thank goodness. Go figure....I go 6 years carrying a little water bottle around as my emergency heartburn reliever, and then when I finally do need it, I don't have the guts to use it. *sigh* Silly me.
Aside from heartburn, bloating, no hair regrowth and poor eyesight, I still have no p-e-r-i-o-d. Pardon me if that's TMI. But it's been since 2010 since I've had it, and it's really weird realizing that again and again. My doc established that I have no estrogen. I need hormones! But how do I get them, and who will help me safely, that I can trust and don't have to pay an arm and a leg for?
It's just kind of sad that I'm lacking two significant parts of being a woman....hair and hormones. You can imagine what that does to my psychological self. Sometimes I question my sanity, I really do. I will say this though....even though I have things to complain about, I have a LOT more to be thankful for. Like the plumpness that has returned to my arms and thighs. I never thought I'd be grateful for that.
2 comments:
Glad you're getting some meat on your bones! ;-). And I'm sorry you had a heartburn episode...people would certainly understand if you took a sip of water- don't be shy!! Love you & can't wait to see you!
I keep a little ziplock sandwich bag in the pocket of my temple clothes. Inside the bag are chewable antacids & gas-x. I do get them out and chew one when needed. Its not good for us to let heartburn go on and on. Also I am not afraid, during a session, to motion to a temple worked that I need to go to the bathroom. I know they will stop the session and wait for me, but I know I wouldn't mind if someone else in the session did that. I would even do that if all I needed to do is go out and take a pill with a drink of water. I would just say I need to go to the bathroom, and then I would go take my pill. We worry too much about what people might be thinking. The Lord understands, and that's all that counts.
Post a Comment